June 7, 2009
Just read an entertaining story about one midlife man’s experiences with social media as he emerges from a divorce and starts dating again.
His cautionary tale reminds us all that “instimacy” (instant intimacy, my word!) especially when experienced through the wonders of the internet, is often too good to be true!
It’s really no different than online dating, whether you’re making friends or trolling for your next “intimate” relationship, this is when it becomes essential to understand the concept of positive projection.
The online environment makes it far too easy to project everything you really want and need in a friend or partner onto the person you’ve just met on Match.com or Facebook. When you start doing that, you have suddenly ventured into the danger zone!
It’s really all about expectations. The higher your expectations or need for a friend or partner, the wilder your imagination can get pretending that this person, who you really DON’T KNOW, is going to fulfill all of your wildest dreams.
Trust me, I know of what I speak! My first and only experience with E-Harmony was probably fairly typical. I hadn’t joined, I was just dabbling. I filled out their enormous questionnaire and a few hours later they contacted me to say that they had found the perfect match.
OK, so I was feeling desperate! I started communicating with my “perfect match” and things were going great! We e-mailed, talked on the phone a few times and then decided to meet.
The first thing I noticed as he rushed up to my front door was that my gay-dar went off really loud! Is he gay??? I decided I didn’t care, I just wanted to get to know him as a person. We spoke for hours and had a great time, except that I felt certain that he was gay. We set up a lunch meeting for the next day.
But the next morning I didn’t hear from him and later, when I tried his cell number, I could not get anything but voicemail. In fact, I never heard a peep from him again. I never even knew if he gave me his real name.
On Monday, I went into work and asked a gay male friend of mine if a man could be 53 years old and still not know that he was gay. He said, “Yes, and the hardest part is when they finally come out, they will ask if you ever suspected it. And you can’t really say, well duh!”
There’s your cautionary tale on internet “instimacy!” After that I have always insisted on being in the same room with a real person after only a couple e-mails and maybe a phone call. I want to feel another person in the room with me and see what happens to the projections then!
2 Comments | 
Authenticity, Control issues, Dating at 50, Identity crisis, Learning cycles, Living an authentic life, Loneliness, Love later in life, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-help, Self-responsibility, Techniques for transitioning, alienation, divorce, love and hope, mid-life, mid-life crisis, midlife love, self discovery, self empowerment, self-nurturing, self-protection | Tagged: e-Harmony experiences, Facebook.com, instimacy, intimate relationships online, Match.com, meeting people on the internet, social media and intimacy | 
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Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
May 6, 2009
There was once a very divorced and disillusioned woman in midlife who lost her job. One day, out of the blue, her boss told her her services would no longer be needed. She felt dazed and confused, sort of like this. What’s a girl to do?
At first she saw it as a cruel twist of fate, but she eventually saw an unique opportunity well hidden in this apparent life crisis. She had been thinking about changing careers for ages. Now was the time to do just that.
She started researching her options and discovered she really wanted to start her own version of a local matchmaking service. She made preparations and soon after her job ended, and her unemployment checks started coming in, she launched her new business.
It was a GREAT SUCCESS because it built self-confidence and led to many other new and exciting life changes. It opened up her mind and her life to ALL OF HER OPTIONS! She even eventually met her new husband through her efforts!
Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to fail to finally find the successful person inside.
“No one was ever wise by chance.” -Seneca
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Acceptance, Authenticity, Brains and aging, Control issues, Creativity, Dating at 50, Dealing with anger, Defining midlife, Identity crisis, Job loss, Learning cycles, Living alone, Living an authentic life, Love later in life, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Authority, Self-help, Self-responsibility, Singles success, Techniques for transitioning, career change, depression, divorce, love and hope, mid-life, mid-life crisis, midlife love, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-protection | Tagged: crisis accelerates positive change, mid-life changes, wise by chance | 
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Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
April 25, 2009
I live in northern Colorado and yesterday I attended an all day conference provided for the recently unemployed, by our county’s workforce office, funded by stimulus package funds.
The idea was to provide information and encouragement to those searching for that illusive next job.
Essentially it’s purpose was to tell us not to give up on our present atrocious employment situation.
The first thing I noticed was that almost everyone there was in midlife or older. They were my kind of people, those who have been around long enough to know that this economy is not their fault, but feel angry and cheated by those who have made a killing at our expense.
My heart broke for those in their 60s and 70s who may never find another good job again. It hurt to look around that room and feel the terrible struggles so many of those good, hard-working Americans were experiencing right now. It brought back strong memories of my own long-term depression after I lost my job in 2004. First my marriage crumbled in 2001, then I lost my job, and by early 2005 it looked certain that I would lose my home next.
The bright spot for me was a young (relatively speaking) woman I met in the afternoon. She told me of her four young kids and her husband’s difficulties finding any kind of work lately. She had worked as an admin assistant and a waitress before having children, but had no idea what kind of job she could get now.
I challenged her by saying: “What would you absolutely LOVE to do for a living?” Her eyes brightened as she revealed her passion for making fancy baby blankets. She even had some that were so nice she had kept them for herself. With encouragement, she slowly realized that she might at least try to sale some of them on Craigs List or YouTube. Who knows! In the end she thanked me for reminding her that she had special skills that could bring joy to others.
That was when I again realized the power behind Derek Filkins words from an excellent morning networking workshop I had attended. I focused on the simple phrase:
Ask for EXACTLY what you want!
Most might say this is simplistic nonsense. But I know that in those unusual times when I have believed in myself and my needs strongly enough, and known that I DESERVED exactly what I wanted in that moment, I have received it.
My best example is the dating service I began in 2004 because I needed a job and a date! I was so focused on love and believing in its power to transform lives at that time. And sure enough, very inadvertently, I met the love of my life through my competition: Match.com!
I find it fascinating how hard it is for most of us to simply ask for exactly what we want. I guess we have been brainwashed to think that we can have something close to what we want, but certainly not have it all. How selfish and narcissistic that would be!
But if we do not stand up for our own deepest needs and desires in this moment in time, who will?
3 Comments | 
Acceptance, Authenticity, Brains and aging, Control issues, Creativity, Dating at 50, Dealing with anger, Defining midlife, Identity crisis, Job loss, Learning cycles, Living an authentic life, Love later in life, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Authority, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-counseling, Self-help, Self-love, Self-responsibility, Shame and change, Stress and marriage, Techniques for transitioning, alienation, career change, depression, divorce, love and hope, mid-life crisis, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection | Tagged: mid-life crisis, unemployment | 
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Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
April 21, 2009
is an interesting Google search that got somebody to this website, but it left me wondering how loving a 50-year-old man is any different than loving anyone else.
So how DO we love another with enough closeness and distance and acceptance of our differences? The first question is WHY we love any one else. Is it only because they fulfill some of our needs?
Or because we find new and interesting parts of ourselves by hanging out with them? Or simply because we feel good being around them.
When I first met Mike over four years ago now, we both immediately felt seen and appreciated in ways neither one of us had ever experienced before. We also felt understood without much explaining necessary. The best way I can describe it is that we created a unique energy field between us when we were together.
There was absolutely no question that we completed each other in some very essential and yet indescribable ways, like we had been searching our whole lives and yet never really expected to find such a safe place to be in the same space with another human being.
How do we love each other? By caring enough to notice everything about how each of us are feeling moment to moment. By being sensitive to when we really need to be alone with ourselves, and when we need to be together to experience true connectedness. By telling the other when we’ve had a bad day and crave extra attention and love. By taking full responsibility for ourselves and our actions towards each other.
I now know more than ever that mature love is defined by being more concerned about the health and comfort of the one you love than yourself, but in a healthy way. It’s called healthy interdependence instead of co-dependence. I believe it is the highest level of human connectedness, feeling strong and loving enough within yourself to have something to offer others.
It’s probably best to think of learning to truly love yourself as your basic training ground for learning how to love others well. How do you know when you are loved? How do you feel about yourself right now?
6 Comments | Acceptance, Anger and marriage, Authenticity, Brains and aging, Codependency, Control issues, Creativity, Dating at 50, Dealing with anger, Defining midlife, Domestic abuse, Falling in love, Learning cycles, Living an authentic life, Love later in life, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Authority, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-counseling, Self-help, Self-love, Self-responsibility, Singles success, Stress and marriage, Techniques for transitioning, divorce, love and hope, midlife love, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection, solitude | Tagged: interdependence, how do we love others, why do we love others, love defined | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
April 14, 2009
I watched an excellent old movie the other night: Hope Floats with Sandra Bullock and Harry Connick Jr.
It’s about how depressing a divorce can be, especially for the children involved. But it’s also about getting a second chance at love. There’s a great line near the end of the film:
Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It’s such a surprise!
I feel it is my job to keep reminding you all to at least give hope a chance to float up to the top.
Here’s another great line near the end of the movie:
Childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives getting over…Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, and it’s the middle that counts the most.
Making the most of the middle is exactly what Susan Boyle did recently on Britain’s Got Talent Contest. Go see this YouTube video for an inspiring performance. You go girl!!!
3 Comments | Authenticity, Brains and aging, Creativity, Dating at 50, Defining midlife, Identity crisis, Learning cycles, Living an authentic life, Love later in life, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-help, Self-love, Self-responsibility, Singles success, Techniques for transitioning, career change, divorce, love and hope, midlife love, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection | Tagged: Susan Boyle, Hope Floats, second chances at love | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
March 27, 2009
Leave a Comment » | Acceptance, Authenticity, Brains and aging, Control issues, Creativity, Dating at 50, Dealing with anger, Defining midlife, Falling in love, Identity crisis, Job loss, Learning cycles, Living an authentic life, Love later in life, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Authority, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-counseling, Self-help, Self-love, Self-responsibility, Techniques for transitioning, alienation, depression, divorce, love and hope, midlife love, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection, solitude | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
March 21, 2009
Talk about a midlife crisis movie, Last Chance Harvey is quite the tale! Poor Harvey (played by Dustin Hoffman) is well on his way to losing his job, when he takes off for London to play the role of the under appreciated father-of-the-bride at his daughter’s wedding. Kate (played by Emma Thompson) is a lonely single woman, constantly on-call to a demanding elderly mother. Neither one feels great about their present life.
After a few near misses, they finally share a meal in a Heathrow Airport bar while competing for whom has had the worst day. Harvey wins the argument and eventually Kate, but not before they spend one very long day together exploring London and their separate versions of midlife disillusionment.
I thought the argument at the end of the movie was the clincher, when Harvey struggles to convince Kate to take one more chance on love. Harvey is willing to risk it all for the closeness they share so naturally, but Kate is afraid of the eventual pain involved. In the end she gives in and finally admits: “I’ve gotten too comfortable with disappointment.”
That line says so much about taking one more gigantic risk in midlife. Do we stick with the dependable disappointments, because we simply cannot face getting our hopes up one more time, just to have them dashed?
Or do we dare to risk taking a complete midlife U-turn, and find that we will still survive and thrive in the rarified air of something unique and beautiful, some strange and yet absolutely exhilarating experience like finding yourself in love at age 49!
1 Comment | Acceptance, Authenticity, Brains and aging, Control issues, Creativity, Dating at 50, Falling in love, Identity crisis, Job loss, Learning cycles, Living an authentic life, Love later in life, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-counseling, Self-help, Self-love, Shame and change, Techniques for transitioning, depression, divorce, love and hope, self discovery, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection | Tagged: Last Chance Harvey, midlife crisis movies, movie review, Queen's quips | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
February 18, 2009
I have been so touched by a few reviews I have received recently of my new book Midlife Magic. I actually sold a copy to the woman at my bank when I went in to open my business account. She has a great name: Laura Lee just like me! So I asked her yesterday what she thought of it.
She said she loves to savor it during her “quality time” on her breaks from work. Her main comment was: “Laura, you are very REAL in your book. No mincing words for you!” Loved it!
Then Brigit, a wonderful new Australian friend I made through this blog wrote:
“I’ve loved your book. ‘Hang on, it all changes,’ is a truth we so often forget when we are going through our tough times, and sometimes we need to be reminded of it.
Your book lives by my bedside. I can open it at any page at the end of a day, and go to sleep feeling positive.”
Brigit also took the time to write a more complete review on her own blog today. Go see her cool blog: HotMiddlescence.com Brigit just lost one of her jobs so she definitely feels our pain!
I enjoyed her final comment: “Midlife Magic has bits of magic on every page!“
Leave a Comment » | Acceptance, Anger and marriage, Authenticity, Brains and aging, Codependency, Control issues, Creativity, Dating at 50, Dealing with anger, Defining midlife, Domestic abuse, Falling in love, Hot flashes, Identity crisis, Job loss, Learning cycles, Lingerie, Living alone, Living an authentic life, Loneliness, Lost love, Love later in life, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Authority, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-counseling, Self-help, Self-love, Self-responsibility, Shame and change, Singles success, Stress and marriage, Techniques for transitioning, alienation, career change, depression, divorce, love and hope, menopause, midlife love, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection, selflessness, solitude | Tagged: Midlife Magic reviews, The Midlife Crisis Queen's Midlife Magic | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
February 10, 2009
I saw “He’s just not that into you” the movie yesterday. I read the book in 2004 when it first came out. I saw no similarities between the book and the movie. In fact, they seemed completely unrelated.
The book was a snarky, smart ass advice book directed at young women who keep falling for all the WRONG MEN, and won’t give up on them even when they start to get abused. It was a wake up call to all women to get a little self-respect and stop falling in love with total jerks. It was also very funny at times. Greg Behrendt certainly has a way with humor.
The movie was entertaining, but certainly not the book in any form. No snarkiness. The tone was more compassion for all of us who have been fools for love in our past. I thought it was like an advertisement for my own philosophy of love: You get what you are.
Funny how especially in youth, we think we will attract the most beautiful, together mate when we ourselves are completely messed up. We have no self-love or respect, we treat others badly, we simply haven’t gained the level of maturity which makes us good company. But we still think a miracle will happen and the nicest, kindest person will choose to spend their life with us.
The other mistake we make with young love is we judge the book by the cover almost completely. The way our lover looks is so much more important because we want to make others jealous. Slowly we learn that a jerk is a jerk no matter how he/she looks, and they can break our hearts much more easily.
Expecting twenty-somethings to do love well is like expecting students untrained in math to ace their SATs. It ain’t going to happen! We all have to stumble around making difficult, painful mistakes until we mature and learn to know ourselves better. When you know yourself and finally become honest about your own flaws, true love becomes much more possible.
That is why I found midlife love so refreshing! When I met Mike I quickly saw that there would be no more nonsense in this relationship. We each knew far too well our own flaws and had acknowledged our deep need to be close with another who could accept us unconditionally. We had spent most of our adult years alone and consciously chose to make the gigantic effort to welcome another trusting soul into our lives.
This relationship has developed into so much more than I expected at the beginning of it. I’m so glad I fought all the necessary battles within myself to get to this point in life. The reward is so much worth all the times I searched for love and could not find it.
2 Comments | Acceptance, Authenticity, Brains and aging, Control issues, Creativity, Dating at 50, Defining midlife, Identity crisis, Learning cycles, Living alone, Living an authentic life, Loneliness, Lost love, Love later in life, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Authority, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-counseling, Self-help, Self-love, Self-responsibility, Singles success, Stress and marriage, Techniques for transitioning, depression, divorce, love and hope, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection, selflessness, solitude | Tagged: He's just not that into you, honesty in love, how to find true love, young love vs. midlife love | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
December 15, 2008
In case you missed my BIG NEWS:
My first book is out on AMAZON
and also available for sale through my website!
Please consider buying a copy!
“We read to know we are not alone.” C.S. Lewis
THE QUEEN HAS SPOKEN!
1 Comment | Acceptance, Anger and marriage, Authenticity, Brains and aging, Codependency, Control issues, Creativity, Dating at 50, Dealing with anger, Defining midlife, Domestic abuse, Falling in love, Hot flashes, Identity crisis, Job loss, Learning cycles, Lingerie, Living alone, Living an authentic life, Loneliness, Lost love, Love later in life, Love of animals, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Authority, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-counseling, Self-help, Self-love, Self-responsibility, Shame and change, Singles success, Stress and marriage, Techniques for transitioning, alienation, career change, depression, divorce, love and hope, menopause, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection, selflessness, solitude, walking | Tagged: The book: Midlife Magic | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
