Oprah revealed the fascinating story behind her recent weight gain yesterday. It seems she may know now what a midlife crisis is after all, even if she denied it completely on her show with Marianne Williamson last year.
That’s part of the problem with us human beings. We find it far too easy to deny we have a problem, especially emotional ones.
What usually ends up happening when we deny our emotional problems for too long? They turn into physical problems which are much more difficult to ignore or deny. We then may turn our focus to solving the physical manifestation of our emotional problem, and still deny the anger, frustration or depression underneath. Aren’t we amazing beings!
One of the most enduring lessons I learned from the excellent counselor I saw for a few years in my thirties, was how important it is to allow time and space to have our feelings; truly grieve our losses and feel the many joys life offers.
But, I can hear you saying: “I don’t have time for that! I have a million things to do today.”
Well guess what? It all catches up with you sooner or later. Denial does not get rid of any of your problems. It just delays and intensifies them over time. And in the meantime it eats away at your physical health in very serious ways like heart disease, GERD, and cancers.
When you deny your true feelings about yourself and the life you are choosing to live right now, you are like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for some overwhelming, inciting disturbance to blow your fuse and lead to true chaos in your life.
These overwhelming occurences seem to crop up in our middle years, things like serious injury or illness, divorce, job loss, empty nest, etc. This is our body telling us: “OK, cut it out now! Quit trying to deny you are human and have feelings and needs just like everybody else!”
That is why courage is essential in this stage of life. We must have the courage to face our feelings, feel them at the deepest levels, and listen to their lessons.
When I am dealing with personal grief, I take days off from work to allow myself to feel everything that’s going on with me. My ability to fake being a happy, well-adjusted human being is gone. It is time to be honest with myself and others.
That is why I sometimes think those of us who finally breakdown and have a crisis are the lucky ones. We cannot go on denying. We are forced by circumstances to stop our life for a while and fix the problem.
January 6, 2009 at 2:31 pm |
Ahh, Midlife Crisis? The Dark Night of the Soul? What an incredible blessing to take the time to deal with the hurts, misunderstandings and disappointments of the past. To stop glossing over issues that we wish to avoid by putting on a “Happy Face” and denying their existence. You are right! They don’t go away, they just lie in wait for a moment of emotional or physical distress, only to rise up again. I did the ‘Happy Face ‘ thing for years only to collapse emotionally after the divorce (I developed physical issues also). I’ve been blessed with the time and guidance to sort through much of my baggage and have emerged a truly Happy, Joyful Soul! What relief!
The surest way to get through the emotional forest is straight through the middle!
Dive in! Let it all wash over you, embrace the experience and emerge a new person.
Joy, it’s an inside job!
Just Love
Brad
January 6, 2009 at 4:48 pm |
As much as we can’t ignore the new and strange noise our car makes to tell us it needs to go to the shop, we need to stop ignoring what are minds and bodies are trying to say.
Laura Lee, maybe you should send Oprah your wonderful book “Midlife Magic”. In fact, I was so impressed with it, I think it should become required reading for all aging humans. I just passed it on to my sister in her forties, like a torch to light her way.
Maggie G
January 7, 2009 at 10:55 pm |
Very important message. I’ve experienced the body trying to tell me something the mind ignores many times. It took quite a while before I listened.
Over Christmas my daughter became ill and was diagnosed with Glandular Fever. All the glands were up. Her ears ached, her nose was blocked. Her throat, looked extremely ugly really. Even her tongue was swollen – and her liver was inflamed.
She had recently spent a month in Sydney partying. There she spent all her saved money for her trip over seas, on alcohol and fun. She came home empty handed and goal less.
At first she was devistated being ill. It wasn’t until New Year’s day when she saw the news footage of a fire in a night club in Thailand where she had origionally planned on being, that she started looking at things differently.
This was time to re-assess. She had been running away from decision and committment, by partying.
I’m not sure if she realises her fear around those issues yet, or if she’ll listen to what is screaming at her. She is after all only 19. But I must admit, I was supprised that she recognised her illness as more than just an illness. I’m not sure that I would have at her age.
January 12, 2009 at 9:57 am |
Oh, what a timely post
A breakdown can be a most auspicious time — and it certainly is a sign that stress has become distress.
I experienced the beginning of a breakdown (which I view as occurring all through a body and a person — nothing seems to be unaffected) a year ago, beginning with a bad ‘flu. Long story short, major depression kicked in, followed by some stresses that went over the top and brought on PTSD (which I’ve had most of my life anyway). A year later, I am about to enter a hospital with a sterling reputation for respectful and competent care — and what looks like a more integrated (multi-disciplinary) model of care for people whose illnesses are primarily psychiatric. I’ve been off work for the year, too, and it has been a most difficult time … but also an opportunity to think, read, write … make meaning and sense of things that I’d literally not had the time or space for before I became ill.
The culture we live in doesn’t allow for contemplation … convalescence … occasional retreat for quietude and “recharging the batteries.” This struck me as I read about your choice to take time off when you are in mourning … That is a reverent time and needs long, careful tending … The current norm (in North America at least, and if you’re lucky) for paid “bereavement leave” from employment is three days. THREE DAYS! A person’s not even over the shock of loss … and still in the throes of a funeral and all the chaos that comes after it. THREE BLOODY DAYS!
I read something recently about the Victorian era … (and I know this is the norm in many other cultures and times) … that mourning lasted a year. I suspect that most of us would go bonkers if we had to do nothing but focus on a loss for a full year (and — heh — as if we need to be told to focus on it) without anything else to do … but there definitely needs to be more paid time given to workers than three days. I was once fired from a job three weeks after my mother died (and I took one week’s unpaid leave) … It was an administrative position in a small business that required constant speed and accuracy. There were days after my mom’s death that I would find myself starting at a file folder, not knowing what it was. I *had* to function — was single, for one thing … so I managed pretty well except for those times when I’d just go numb for a spell. After about three months, that started to abate … but not enough for my employer, obviously …
Being in a semi-stupor is normal after an intimate loss. I wonder if employers would do all of us good by instituting bereavement-loss time of one to three months when a person has lost a mate, child, parent, sibling, best friend … anyone who was intimate kin to an employee.
Trying to squash all your bereavement into a three-day leave … insane.
January 12, 2009 at 1:38 pm |
A year is not such a long time to mourn the many mistakes you’ve made in your life. It took me at least that much time to re-assess my life and begin to change everything in 2004. Change comes slow and only when you are completely convinced that your life is not working as you had hoped.
I guess I really did need to lose my husband and my job to finally find my life!
Keep on the contemplative path. It is the only way for some of us!
Laura Lee aka The Crisis Queen
January 14, 2009 at 6:40 pm |
I think so many of us in our 40s and 50s have experienced some sort of depression. Whether it be a loss of a loved one, divorce, career stresses, or raising children. We do need to pay attention to the signs and do whatever it takes to stay healthy and sane. We are so focused on our children and spouses that we forget to pay attention to ourselves. Oprah has a lot of good things to say and why it is that we believe whatever she says whenever she says it, I’ll never know. She can say don’t wear blue eye shadow and the whole country is listening and heeding her advice. I recently read this article on why is our mid-life always a crisis at http://www.silverplanet.com/lifestyles/retirement-living/why-our-mid-life-always-crisis/32122. I hope to someday have the time to relax and enjoy life without the everyday worries I have right now.