Midlife Crisis Queen: The Weblog

I heard Maya Angelou speak yesterday. She made an important point, one which reminded me of a long difficult time in my life.

After my separation and divorce, I tortured myself for a few years for my own failure. I blamed myself for the “failure” of my marriage, and especially for the fact that I had stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for far too long. I kept asking myself: “Why did you do that? You have a career and options. Why did you accept his emotional sabotage for so long?”

I still don’t know the answer to those questions. I guess part of the answer was my stubborn desire to “make” my marriage work. I have now learned that I don’t have the power to do this.

It takes two adults working together with a moment-to-moment commitment to authentic communications, self-responsibility and a true appreciation of all the benefits offered by the relationship, for a marriage to give each member the will to continue.

It no longer surprises me that more than half of marriages fail. Most adults do not have the level of maturity and self-respect needed to sustain an authentic positive and loving relationship over the long haul. To learn to understand and appreciate this unique human being you have committed to through “thick and thin, in sickness and in health” is a lot to ask from each of us.

We all have our difficult days and moments when all seems lost or hopeless. We all have moments when our loved one doesn’t seem all that lovable.

The way I relate to these moments is to appreciate the fact that I also find myself fundamentally unlovable at times. How do I deal with that within myself? Do I hate myself, or do I work to find compassion for myself and my daily struggles?

The way I measure any relationship now is to ask myself this simple question: “Does relating to this person give me energy or take it away?” I have become sensitive to the energy dynamics in the way I relate to everyone in my daily life.

Some friends free my soul! They help me to get excited about all the possibilities in life. They help me keep growing and changing and becoming a better me. These souls feel like my personal cheerleader. I know they believe in me and I believe in them implicitly.

My husband is my best cheerleader. He understands my struggles and my need to be alone at times, but he NEVER STOPS BELIEVING IN ME! He never loses faith in the power of our combined spirits, and I do the same for him. With authenticity, respect and appreciation we continue on.  And, of course, boundless love!