No kidding! That was one of the Google searches someone used to access my blog…
I’m thinking it’s not just divorced men that have a problem getting their minds and hearts around taking another chance on love, after going through the midlife wringer of betrayal, divorce disillusionment, and then arguing about every little thing they share in ownership with an irate soon-to-be ex.
Exactly how many midlifers DO believe in love at the ripe old age of 45 or 50? I know I was stunned and stupefied for a couple of years after my own divorce. I was astounded at how angry and screwed over I felt, and it didn’t help that I needed to continue to play nice so my “was-band” and I could share custody of our dogs.
My new husband suffered far worse than me with his brief second marriage and divorce. He puts it this way: “When I met her, we each had our own homes. But when we divorced after just one year of marriage, she had two houses and I had none!”
The true miracle is that anyone ever takes another chance on love after suffering these kinds of battle scars. I knew I needed some serious time alone after my divorce, but that wasn’t enough.
After a couple years I started to analyze my own history with love, and realized that a major betrayal in my early twenties had jaded all of my future expectations and experiences with love. I needed to find a way to get past my past belief system around love.
For me, the solution was a few heart-to-heart talks with my lover from twenty-five years ago. Luckily he was available to discuss our shared past. This was essential to my own healing process and led to a deep feeling of catharsis. Only then was I truly ready to move on.
We all must find our own way to heal our broken hearts, or we may choose to remain bitter and angry for the rest of our lives. Perhaps this is why we see such a high depression rate among those in midlife today. It takes a lot of heart work and “soul surgery” to forgive ourselves when our marriage fails, but that is the only way to move on.
Remember, divorce is not so much the loss of a significant relationship, as the loss of the dream of what love could be in our lives. Most of us start out believing that love can transform our lonely existence into something better. When that doesn’t work out as hoped for or planned, do we dare dream again?
I say YES!
September 30, 2008 at 7:19 pm
My husband has made it out to be all my fault, I know that I didn’t do everything perfect, but who does, now he says he loves me and wants to come back to me, but he won’t alow me to know were he lives, not meet the person that he lives with and he’s trying to take over my friends, any new ones that I might have.
I still love him and he knows it, but I’m 50 and just too scared to let anyone near me, he knows that too. So, I’m the one that gets hurt, he keeps reminding me what it is to get hurt and I don’t want anyone in my life, the men that I have met are 10 years younger than me, give me a break, I don’t want to baby sit, and the men my own age all they want are little girls to have around to make them look good. Sooo the old women gets left behind. I hate life.
Wish God would just take me home.
October 1, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Marlene,
As granny used to say,: “No matter how thin you make ‘em, pancakes still have two sides”.
There are no victims, only volunteers.
Co-dependency is a useless thing.
Cry it out, get some help. suck it up and get on with your Life.
You tied your wagon to the wrong horse.
Good Luck,
Brad