“A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short.”
I just saw the Canadian film “Away from her” last night. It is a quiet, sad and yet realistic film about the gradual experience of losing a loved one to Alzheimers.
It begins when Fiona (Julie Christie) already has moments of lost perception, like placing the frying pan in the freezer, but she and her husband Grant are coping well with them. And proceeds to Fiona’s decision to go to a specialized unit in a nursing home to spare Grant the excruciating pain of her daily decline into total memory loss.
I know you are probably thinking, “Why would I want to see something like that?” My answer would be because it’s authentic, it’s beautifully made, and teaches us a lot about the process of aging.
At the beginning of her decline, Fiona says, “I think I’m beginning to disappear.” This is my experience of aging. In infinitesimal amounts, we become a little less of who we were the previous day. This can be a good thing when we let go of our less attractive traits like our stubborness and our out of control egos but, with dementia, it is also a gradual slipping away of our essence or true self.
I especially enjoyed the character of Marion (Olympia Dukakis) in this film. As Fiona ”falls in love” with Marion’s husband Aubrey in the Alzheimers unit, Marion acts as a sounding board for Grant’s disillusionment with losing her wife before she is officially gone.
I loved Marion’s philosophical, resilient, no nonsense spirit in the face of tremendous personal challenges. At one point she points out bravely to Grant that what has befallen them may not be a tragedy, but simply life being life.
Later in the film Marion says, “Sometimes you just have to make the decision to be happy. Things aren’t ever what we’d hoped they’d be - ever! There are two types of people. Those who stay angry and those who accept what comes their way…”
I was also struck with how lucky the characters in the story were to have such devoted caretakers. I began to wonder if the members of our generation would (will?) come through so bravely in such desperate circumstances.
I felt the message of the movie was to, “Dance while you can…” Changes in our minds and our bodies are inevitable. Broken hearts are also inevitable if we have the courage to truly love ourselves and others. What could be more natural than returning to the helplessness of childhood, should we be lucky enough to live that long.
I agree with Roger Ebert. “Away from her” is a heartbreaking masterpiece.
