January 6, 2009
Oprah revealed the fascinating story behind her recent weight gain yesterday. It seems she may know now what a midlife crisis is after all, even if she denied it completely on her show with Marianne Williamson last year.
That’s part of the problem with us human beings. We find it far too easy to deny we have a problem, especially emotional ones.
What usually ends up happening when we deny our emotional problems for too long? They turn into physical problems which are much more difficult to ignore or deny. We then may turn our focus to solving the physical manifestation of our emotional problem, and still deny the anger, frustration or depression underneath. Aren’t we amazing beings!
One of the most enduring lessons I learned from the excellent counselor I saw for a few years in my thirties, was how important it is to allow time and space to have our feelings; truly grieve our losses and feel the many joys life offers.
But, I can hear you saying: “I don’t have time for that! I have a million things to do today.”
Well guess what? It all catches up with you sooner or later. Denial does not get rid of any of your problems. It just delays and intensifies them over time. And in the meantime it eats away at your physical health in very serious ways like heart disease, GERD, and cancers.
When you deny your true feelings about yourself and the life you are choosing to live right now, you are like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for some overwhelming, inciting disturbance to blow your fuse and lead to true chaos in your life.
These overwhelming occurences seem to crop up in our middle years, things like serious injury or illness, divorce, job loss, empty nest, etc. This is our body telling us: “OK, cut it out now! Quit trying to deny you are human and have feelings and needs just like everybody else!”
That is why courage is essential in this stage of life. We must have the courage to face our feelings, feel them at the deepest levels, and listen to their lessons.
When I am dealing with personal grief, I take days off from work to allow myself to feel everything that’s going on with me. My ability to fake being a happy, well-adjusted human being is gone. It is time to be honest with myself and others.
That is why I sometimes think those of us who finally breakdown and have a crisis are the lucky ones. We cannot go on denying. We are forced by circumstances to stop our life for a while and fix the problem.
2 Comments | 
Acceptance, Anger and marriage, Authenticity, Brains and aging, Control issues, Creativity, Dealing with anger, Death of a loved one, Defining midlife, Domestic abuse, Identity crisis, Job loss, Learning cycles, Living an authentic life, Loneliness, Lost love, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Authority, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-counseling, Self-help, Self-love, Self-responsibility, Shame and change, Shame and illness, Stress and marriage, Techniques for transitioning, alienation, career change, chronic illness, depression, divorce, menopause, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection, selflessness, solitude | Tagged: courage and crisis, crisis in midlife, emotional and physical health, Oprah's weight gain, physical manifestations of emotional problems | 
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Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
January 2, 2009
In the end, the only opinion that matters is your own. Did you reach any of your own personal goals? Did you come any closer to living the life you had imagined for yourself?
Searching for outside validation is useless. Everyone around you is simply struggling with their own internal battles. I learned long ago, when I would wonder what others were thinking about me, that most are thinking about themselves.
So focus a little time on yourself now. Figure out what you would like to happen in this brand new year you see before you. How could you bring joy to yourself and those you love?
I resolve to live a happier life. Gratitude will be my personal theme this year. I resolve to appreciate the life I have everyday, and acknowledge that I have the best life possible for me right now. I have an amazing husband, a job that brings information and joy to the world, and even a new puppy! So what’s not to like?
I’ve already lived longer than I really expected to, and we have a new president coming into the “white” house (interesting irony there!), who says he brings us hope for all of our futures. Let’s hope he’s right! At least he seems more likely to be a part of the solution than our last one.
Let’s be grateful for what we have, which in most cases is more than anyone else in the world, and just feel good for a change. There’s my original thought for today!
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
3 Comments | 
Acceptance, Authenticity, Control issues, Dealing with anger, Defining midlife, Living an authentic life, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-counseling, Self-help, Self-responsibility, alienation, depression, love and hope, self empowerment, self transformation | Tagged: gratitude, New year 2009 | 
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Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
December 31, 2008
In honor of the passing of George Carlin, I would like to propose my own new rules for 2009.
New Rule #1: Stop sending all of our hard earned dollars elsewhere. I know we feel guilty if we’re not trying to save everyone everywhere at all times, but guess what? We are doing a very bad job of saving ourselves at the moment. Please spend our tax dollars on us for a change.
New Rule #2: Get your priorities straight. No matter how rich, famous or brilliant you are, if we don’t save the planet you are out of luck! Even Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Oprah combined can’t make it all better if (when?) global warming kicks in.
New Rule #3: You are responsible for your own children, pets and checking accounts. Time to grow up and show your kids, pets and finances whose in charge at your house. I guess some of us never learned how to be responsible for our own kids, pets and mortgages.
New Rule #4: Tell your whiny, cranky teenagers to detach from their cellphones and get a life. Heaven forbid that kids today might be required to stand up for themselves, get a job, and show some backbone.
New Rule #5: Employees of America, please re-learn what “customer service” means. I am so tired of asking for assistance at a store, and being confronted with an employee who acts pissed off when they have to actually be nice and do their job.
New Rule #6: Dark restaurants with unreadable menus. I wonder how many restaurant owners have ever tried to read their own menus in that dark little corner of their shop. So, were you thinking that if we can’t read the menu, we won’t be able to complain if we don’t like the food?
New Rule #7: Some of you really need to relax around the way you load your dishwashers. I’ve been seeing and hearing some scary stuff about obsessive/compulsive behavior in this department.
New Rule #8: Stop coming to a complete stop and waiting until all traffic has passed when you enter a merge lane. To merge means to get out there quickly and smoothly, not stop for a while to see what happens.
Finally, I would like to reiterate George Carlin’s 2008 Rule #3: Ladies leave your eyebrows alone! You know he’s right on this one. After I read his rules from last year, I started really noticing all the ways that women torture and screw up their own eyebrows…amazing!!!
Please feel free to add your own new rules as needed.
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Uncategorized | Tagged: George Carlin, New rules for 2009 | 
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Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
December 29, 2008
I want to share with you some interesting thoughts from one of my favorite writers!
David Richo wrote the best book I’ve ever read on being with others called: How to be an adult in relationships. Now he’s written: The five things you cannot change…and the happiness we find by embracing them.
This book starts from the guiding premise that we control very little of what happens to us in life. One of our major difficulties is discovering how “reality refuses to bow to our commands…all our lives include unexpected twists, unwanted endings, and challenges of every puzzle kind.”
David Richo works as a psychotherapist and has found the same five struggles arise again and again with his clients. These he calls the five unavoidable givens:
- Everything changes and ends.
- Things do not always go according to plan.
- Life is not always fair.
- Pain is part of life.
- People are not loving and loyal all the time.
Each of these givens suggest questions about our destiny:
“Are we here to get our way or to dance with the flow of life? Are we here to make sure everything goes according to our plans or to trust the surprises and synchronicities that lead us to new vistas? Are we here to make sure we get a fair deal or are we here to be upright and loving? Are we here to avoid pain or to deal with it, grow from it, and learn to be compassionate through it? Are we here to be loyally loved by everyone or to love with all our might?”
The idea that struck me the strongest in his introduction was the most important given of all: Anything can happen to anyone of us at anytime. Most of us spend a lifetime dancing around this most obvious truth. We imagine that very good or very bad luck is supposed to happen to other people but never to us.
But when we embrace the fact that anything can happen to us at anytime, we begin to let go of our ego’s privileged view of itself as entitled to special treatment, that some rescuer will come through just for us and grant us exemption from life’s hard knocks.
If we finally accept that we are the same as everyone else in these basic uncertainties, we become humble and feel a consoling sense of belonging, no matter how difficult life may become.
I think David’s ideas have everything to do with midlife crisis. For many of us this crisis in the middle of life is our opportunity to feel human and fallible and just like everyone else. Circumstances change, life becomes confusing, and we must finally accept how out of control our life can be at times, and how fundamentally unsuperior we are in this world of troubled souls.
When I consider the truth: “Things don’t always go according to plan,” I see that my life would be much worse if they had! I was married to the wrong man and pursuing a career I no longer enjoyed. If things had gone according to plan, I would not have gotten a divorce, lost my job, and consequently found a life so much more suited to my needs and dreams.
I can highly recommend this thought-provoking book!
4 Comments | Acceptance, Anger and marriage, Authenticity, Brains and aging, Codependency, Control issues, Creativity, Dealing with anger, Death of a loved one, Death of a spouse, Defining midlife, Domestic abuse, Falling in love, Holiday challenges, Identity crisis, Job loss, Learning cycles, Living alone, Living an authentic life, Loneliness, Lost love, Love later in life, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Esteem, Self-compassion, Self-counseling, Self-help, Self-love, Self-responsibility, Shame and change, Shame and illness, Stress and marriage, Techniques for transitioning, alienation, career change, depression, divorce, health care, love and hope, menopause, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection, solitude | Tagged: David Richo, Five thing we cannot change, Five unavoidable givens, life is not fair | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
December 27, 2008
If I had one wish, it would be that all of you who have supported me and responded so positively to this blog, could come to my book launch party today. It’s great talking to you online, but how much greater would it be to finally meet!
Since you can’t come, here’s a summary of what I plan to say to my local friends and supporters:
At the beginning of this journey I had a marriage and a job that did not nurture me. It was only through the loss of those things that I was forced to find out who I was and what I truly valued.
We are all searching for our passion to some extent. It can seem quite illusive. For me it came after I discovered my love of writing. I had been through quite an amazing process of loss and change and knew there were many others going through just such a transformation.
I found myself saying, “Somebody should do something about this! Somebody should offer a hand up to those lost in midlife crisis. Somebody should try to show them that there is hope on the other side of this tough depression!”
It slowly came to me that that somebody was me! I have walked the walked. I know just how tough it can get when you have no job, feel little love, and have very little hope left. And I also know how apparent failure can lead to superior happiness if you just keep trying to follow your dream. In spite of daunting odds, a better, more nurturing life can emerge.
So I followed my heart and found my passion in communicating to and for those lost in midlife despair.
3 Comments | Acceptance, Anger and marriage, Authenticity, Dealing with anger, Defining midlife, Job loss, Learning cycles, Living alone, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Self Esteem, Self-love, Self-responsibility, Techniques for transitioning, alienation, career change, depression, divorce, midlife love, self discovery, self empowerment, self transformation, self-nurturing, self-protection | Tagged: The book: Midlife Magic, Book launch 2008, Finding my passion | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
December 26, 2008
Do you want to see a midlife crisis in action, then watch the news this morning and see what happened in Covina, California on Christmas eve!
Forty-five year old Bruce Pardo decided he couldn’t take it anymore after a bad divorce and then job loss. So he went over to his in-laws’ house and started shooting with a gun and a flame-thrower!
Need any more proof that midlife is a very tough time to negotiate? We have an international study showing that the mid-40s is the worst time in every country in the world for clinical depression.
We have a recent Center for Disease Control study showing that suicides are rising dramatically among 45 to 55 year olds, and we have stories like this in the news. Need more proof that this is a problem we should all be paying attention to?
I am particularly mad about this situation because I tried once again last week to convince my local newspaper that there truly is a story in what’s happening with Americans in midlife right now.
They blew me off as usual! Interestingly, the young reporter I sent it to found it to be an important story, but the older editor Sara Hansen (a woman obviously in midlife herself!) decided it was totally unnewsworthy.
Perhaps it is a simple case that those that are successful in midlife don’t want to acknowledge what’s happening with those of us that are not. “Who wants to think about those poor losers who got divorced or lost their job recently. They must have somehow deserved their fate.“ Perhaps we all feel this way to some extent until it happens to us.
I just find it strange that I have acquired an international following with this blog, and almost 45,000 views, and yet a local editor can find no story of interest to her readership!
I think I see why newspapers are going out of business now…
4 Comments | Acceptance, Anger and marriage, Authenticity, Control issues, Dealing with anger, Defining midlife, Holiday challenges, Job loss, Major transitions, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Shame and change, Stress and marriage, Techniques for transitioning, alienation, depression, divorce | Tagged: midlife crisis and the news, what is newsworthy? | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
December 23, 2008
Don’t you just hate those blogs where the writer has pictures of their kids and you wonder, “Why would I care about their kids at Christmas?”
OK, so I couldn’t help myself…I just got a brand new puppy and who can resist a 2 pound bundle of love anyway?
So here we are:
I am in puppy heaven. I’ve always been a sucker for a cute puppy and Mike knows it!
Merry Christmas to all!
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Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
December 22, 2008
There’s some interesting new information out about men as well as women experiencing “estrogen dominance” as they age. Apparently this can be caused by aging, environmental pollutants and diet. Here’s an article providing more information on this topic.
I haven’t researched this much…see what you think!
No Comments » | Brains and aging, Hot flashes, Midlife Mental Health, Midlife support, Psychological effects of midlife, Psychology of life changes, Techniques for transitioning, health care, menopause, self-protection | Tagged: estrogen dominance in men, hormonal imbalance and aging, menopause in men | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
December 19, 2008
My own winter solstice haiku:
Sunshine will return again.
Celebrate the glorious warmth!
Where would we be without it?
The weather could not be more appropriate for a winter solstice than it is this morning at my house in Colorado. I can barely see across the street because of heavy fog, with snow on the ground and smoke puffing out of the chimney across the way.
I love the idea of winter solstice. We are are all tucked into our little houses, experiencing the dead quiet of mid-winter, contemplating the year past and hoping the spring will come soon to cheer us all up. Focus on the tiny roots of billions of plants waiting patiently to pop up again in early spring!
Here’s a nice post from Kitty Jul on her experience of the solstice in the Pacific NW. I love her idea that this may be the winter solstice of her entire life.
If you would like to learn more about the history of solstice celebrations worldwide check out this cool book: Celebrate the Solstice! It’s fascinating!
1 Comment | Acceptance, Brains and aging | Tagged: Winter solstice | Permalink
Posted by midlifecrisisqueen
